Habits: The Strategy of the Four Tendencies

Its very important to know ourselves but self-knowledge is challenging.
Im like a Muggle Sorting Hat! I sort everyone into four categories which describe how people tend to respond to expectations: outer expectations a deadline a request from a sweetheart and inner expectations write a novel in your free time keep a New Years resolution.
Your response to expectations may sound slightly obscure but it turns out to be very very important. In a nutshell: - Upholders respond readily to outer and inner expectations Im an Upholder 100 - Questioners question all expectations theyll meet an expectation if they think it makes sense my husband is a Questioner - Rebels resist all expectations outer and inner alike - Obligers meet outer expectations but struggle to meet expectations they impose on themselves From my observation I can say with confidence that Rebel is the smallest category then Upholderthis was a shock to me.
I didnt realize how few people are Upholders.
Many things became clear to me once I realized this.
Most people are Questioners or Obligers. Do you find yourself within this framework? If so does it help you understand how to manage yourself better? Figuring out the Tendencies helped me understand myself and it has also made it much easier for me to understand other peoples perspectives.
Fact is most people dont see things the way we Upholders do.
One of my key realizations about happiness and a point oddly under-emphasized by positive psychologists given its emphasis in popular culture is that Outer order contributes to inner calm.
More than it should. After all in the context of a happy life a messy desk or house is a trivial problemyet Ive found and other people tell me they feel the same way that getting control of the stuff of life makes me feel more in control of my life generally.
Even if this is an illusion its a helpful illusion. But as much as most of us want to keep our home office car etc.
in reasonable order its tough.
Here are some myths of de-cluttering that make it harder than it needs to be. Myths of Cluttering: 1.
I need to get organized.
No! This is not your first step! Dont get organized. 2.
The more organized I am the better.
I fully appreciate the pleasure of having a place for everything and perhaps counter-intuitively I find it easier to put things away in an exact place rather than a general place the third shelf of the coat closet not a closet.
However this impulse can become destructive: if you spend a lot of time alphabetizing your spices or setting up eighty categories for your home library consider simplifying your approach.
Also some things simply wont stay organized so its not even worth trying Ive spent hours sorting magic markers and Calico Critters pieces only to find everything a jumble the next day. 3.
I need to run out and buy some inventive storage containers.
See 1.
I love cunning containers as much as anyone but Ive found that if I get rid of everything I dont need I often dont need a container at all. 4.
I need to find the perfect recipient for everything Im getting rid of.
True its easier to let go of things when theyre going to a good home but be wary of letting this kind intention become a source of clutter itself.
I have a friend who has multiple piles all over her house each lovingly destined for a particular recipient.
This is generous and thoughtful but it contributes mightily to clutter.
Try to find one or two good recipients or create some kind of rigid system for moving stuff along quickly. 5.
I cant get rid of anything that I might possibly need one day.
How terrible would it be if you needed a glass jar and didnt have one? Do you need gigantic stores of rubber bands or coffee mugs? 6.
Someday I might get that gizmo fixed.
Face it.
If youve had something for more than six months and its still not repaired its clutter. 7.
After I lose some weight Ill fit into these clothes again.
If you lose a bunch of weight youll likely want to buy a new pair of jeans not dust off the pair you bought seven years ago. 8.
I need to keep this to remind me of the past.
Im a huge fan of mementos remembering happy times in the past gives you a big happiness boost in the present.
But ask yourself: do I need to keep all these t-shirts to remind me of high school or can I keep a few? Do I need to keep a giant armchair to remind me of my father or can I use a photograph? Mementos work best when theyre carefully chosenand when they dont take up much room! 9.
I need to keep this object to show respect for the person who gave it to me.
You can love someone but not want to keep a gift from that person.
Its okay to pass an item along to someone who will appreciate it more.